Hacks HQ- Editors log
Stardate- Wh3r3’d F*~k 1s C0r8yn
We were under orders to distract and deflect this week from May’s, Raab’s and Gloucester MP Graham’s lies. On Monday we thought it would be easy so we let most of the team have the half term off but by Wednesday at PMQs, we realised it was going to be like pushing a torrent of crap up a hill… So we called them all back in.
We covered up Raab’s refusal to allow anyone to see the withdrawal agreement by making it about Jeremy Corbyn’s non-attendance at a march, simple.
Lord Boswell said, “Brexit was supposed to be about enhancing the role of parliament, not diminishing it – but that message doesn’t seem to have got through to ministers.” But everyone falls asleep as soon as you mention ‘the Lords’ or ‘select committee’ so we bunged those titles in most sentences so hardly anyone read it or listened.
We gave every platform we could to Tommy Robinson and Farage, stirring up young and old, fascists and anti-fascists, and while everyone was looking at that we chucked the interns piece about the Glasgow women’s and the refuse workers strike in the office bin, (that won’t get emptied for a while as all our cleaning staff are on strike for better pay and conditions too… And we don’t empty our own bins! Nooo…)
Then PMQs arrived! May told five lies in twelve seconds… She now has hero status here in the office, we can push out some lies but that is impressive even by our standards. Graham invented a homeless shelter in Gloucester and said it was the pinnacle of his success as MP that he was able to hide some more homeless from local people… Nothing to see here…
We immediately blanketed our media with Khashoggi references and called the specialist bullsh*tters back from break…
Memo to office: the shit has hit the fan.. again.. get your arses back in and bring some ideas with you…
We found out Phillip Green that shady character that bankrupted a British institution ‘The British Homestores’ and tried to run off with the pensions of his now unemployed staff was also responsible for being a sex pest. Paying off staff that complained so that they wouldn’t tell anyone about his disgusting behaviour. Well, we guess that didn’t work too well for him as the cat is out of the bag. He gagged us from reporting it though because of our corporate ties, he’s one of the rich 1% that bankrolls us so we couldn’t report this bit of news…
Then to our horror, Lord Hain used the legal protection of speaking in Parliament to name and shame Phillip Green for compulsive bullying, racism and sexual harassment. We like having injunctions made against us so that we can protect our rich mates, we don’t want Westminster butting in…
Oh The Duke and Duchess are in New Zealand now, Harry maintained eye contact with people performing the Haka upon their arrival, isn’t that amazing?!
Finally, a number of American Politicians and Democrat supporters including the Obamas and Robert DeNiro were sent bombs in the post. The culprit was a right-wing, Trump supporter but honestly, Trump’s policies and speeches are not encouraging extreme behaviour…
The Budget is being released tomorrow, we need all hands on deck. We must find something to distract the people when we all find out that Austerity isn’t over… Someone contact the royal families press team and see if any of the other parasites are pregnant. If not can we find out if some left-wing politicians aren’t wearing red poppies, that always raises media outrage…
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